Today has been dark. And I mean dark: the kind of dark where you have to have the lights on all day. And it has been misty, rainy, chilly – and yet, when Abby and I went to Hemer Park today for an hour or so, it was a beautiful walk. We didn’t encounter a lot of people – two I think. And so we walked quietly, observed the swans and ducks, meandered under the towering old trees – and I hugged three or four of them – wonderful to feel their life.
Walks on days like this often send my mind and thoughts and feelings wandering. I think in complete sentences and phrases and paragraphs. “Yes!” I think to myself. “That’s what I want to write. And then I get home and sit down in front of my computer: “What was that I wanted to write about?”
I’m going to do my best because I do want to put this down.
Love. That’s a good place to start. If I am about to have a life with Simon, I ask myself, “What is different now? Why is this life going to be different from the old life?”
It is important for me to answer this question truthfully. This is the rest of my life – and I want to live it in love and joy and laughter.
The motivation is not radically different. Before: I love this man so I’ll do this out of love. Even if I don’t want to do it – I will. Now: I love this man and I love the idea of building something together that is for both of us – and more – a legacy if you will.
Before: I guess I’ll haul water and I’m pissed that I have to haul water because the lines froze. Now: Hey – hauling water. Cool. I get to contribute while we work on fixing the problem.
Before: I suppose I’ll put in an effort where it’s required. Now: How can we create something beautiful together – a life we will both love.
Before: Yes, I chose this, but I chose it for the wrong reasons so I’m not happy about my choice. Now: I choose this man I love. I choose this life. I choose this thing we are building together. And more: I commit to it.
Speaking of commitment. I read something the other day that I really like. Most of us speak of committing to something. So we say, “I am committed to this…” Instead of that, how about: “I am a commitment to this.”
I like that. That is true ownership.
So it’s all about attitude. I have no regrets about coming back here to the island. I think I needed to step back – to step outside of my life and to see my life and myself and my relationship from a distance. I don’t think I could have come to this place without that stepping back. A radical and drastic move? Yes.
But I see my negative patterns so clearly now. I see my life and my commitments. I am filled with so much love. I am in such a place of joy.
The world is in huge trouble. I don’t believe we can stem the tide. But no matter what happens or how it happens, I can live my life in light and love. I can be a commitment to that life.