I’ve often said that I walk a fine line between staying informed and retaining my sanity. The line gets thinner by the day.
I am doing what Greta Thunberg wants me to do – I am panicking. I am also in a state of almost constant amazement – that people appear to be carrying on with their lives as though everything is normal.
I wrote an email to Simon today because he is the one person I know who understands this the best. I just needed to “talk” about it to someone who would get it. I told him about the long talks I had with my mother about her life (in order to write her story) and how she talked about how normal everything was as the war was raging in Germany – until one day – very suddenly – it was no longer normal. And all the people who had been going about their lives, were suddenly penniless and fleeing and begging for food.
And so I am walking Abby and hiking and shopping for groceries and appearing to do life as normal – and I feel anything but normal.
I glean good pieces of news – little steps that are being taken – like shareholders divesting of fossil fuel stocks and cities banning single use plastics – all those things. And I will do my part. Yes I will. But I have a sinking feeling that it is all too little too late. The tipping point was reached a long time ago. And no one noticed.
There are times I feel despair. There are times I feel energized and ready to leap into the fray. Right now I am ready to fight. I prefer to stay in that frame of mind.
I had an “aha” moment on my walk today – Jack Point is the warmest, sunniest place around – it felt good. Since doing the Hoffman Process, I’ve continued working on and recognizing patterns that have harmed me. And I believe I’ve been getting on top of those. I have tools and knowledge I never had before. But today, I looked at patterns I’ve had for decades that have done more than just harm me – they have harmed others.
To put it as accurately as possible: My patterns that have harmed me – as in “I did this – and X reacted this way when I did – and that harmed me.” Yes, it may be accurate. BUT – that is just a more subtle way of saying, “I am a victim.”
I have no interest in being a victim – no matter how tempting that viewpoint is. So, today I have begun to take ownership of my old patterns that have done harm to others. I don’t care what the backlash was on me. The point is that wherever I am in my life, it’s me that put me here. And it’s up to me to move onwards.
It’s also up to me to have love and compassion not only for myself but for anyone I did wrong to in the past.