What a strange day. I am searching for the words to describe it: melancholy, sad, reflective, hopeful, loving, kind, thoughtful….
I’m pretty sure there are a lot of other words that would fit.
It started with trying to sort out whether or not I am going to Vancouver to See Alisa in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I talked to Simon’s mother – see if we can go together – if that makes any sense for her.
And I’m doing my best to separate that event from Simon – and I know I can’t completely do that because, after all, Alisa is his daughter and Beryl is his mother – but I also want to be clear in myself that I love Alisa for herself – not as a Simon adjunct. And that I genuinely like Beryl – not as a Simon adjunct. And I do – and still, there is that bit of entanglement.
Emotions. All I can do is feel them.
I’m doing the same with being involved in the BC Ecosocialist Party – untangling the threads. Yes, I love Simon and I also want to make sure that this excitement I feel about the Party is not predicated on how I feel about him. And when I think about the platform and who is involved and what is currently going on, I can truthfully tell myself that yes – I believe this is our one best chance – and that this is my one best opportunity to contribute something real and meaningful.
This self-examination is important to me. I have spent too many years of my life doing something because “he” is involved. I need to make choices based on what my heart and head tell me are the things I care about and that are important to me.
Mostly, I intend to say “yes” to where my heart wants to go. And these days, my heart seems to be feeling a lot of love – so saying yes to that feels important.
And saying yes to giving – that feels vital.
An old friend died a couple of days ago – I found out today. I haven’t seen him for years. But he was the best man at my wedding (second marriage) – my ex-husband’s best friend. His wife was my matron of honour. We were extremely close for many years.
It came as a shock/surprise.
I’m still processing. I took Abby for a long walk in the rain. That was part of my process.
What is true for me is the realization that this life is so very short. You blink, and it’s gone. And what have I done with mine – with these precious minutes? Have I loved enough? Have I given enough?
I know the answer is “no.” I know there is more work for me to do.