Thinking and Feeling on Maple Mountain

I chose a familiar hike today because I simply wanted to be in the rhythm of walking – let my thoughts and feelings drift as they wanted.

Hiking is my walking meditation. And it was a beautiful thing. The day was gorgeous: as fine a day in October as it’s possible to get. The lights was pure gold – the sun as warm as a day in early June.

And so I walked and let my emotions drift through the last weeks and months.

Mike: I was so in love with him 15 years ago and I wanted to recapture that feeling. But feelings can’t be forced and what was and is there is tremendous friendship – a feeling of caring and compassion – wanting him to find what he wants – that one to one connection that is so enriching and affirming.

And I hope that we will always be friends. Why didn’t it work? Mike said it beautifully when we talked last night: “I don’t know who you are.”

Truth. When we met all those years ago, I turned myself into what I thought he wanted. It wasn’t me. And somewhere in all that he knew it – said he felt I was inauthentic. I was.

I have been inauthentic in every relationship. Wanting desperately not to be my mother – I turned into my mother: molding myself into what I thought my partner wanted and needed while the real me was dying inside. That is no way to build a relationship. In fact, it guarantees that it will fail.

I did what was was modelled. Those were my patterns.

The greatest gift I got from the Hoffman Process was the gift of me – my authenticity. I broke those patterns. But, in some ways, it makes me a different person.

One of the things I told Mike last night was that I still loved Simon – love him deeply, romantically, authentically. The good news is that I don’t have to have him love me back. I am in a place of joy feeling the love inside, being free to feel it, give it, experience it – and know that it’s real and doesn’t demand or require anything in return.

When I think of Simon, I think of the things we shared – how madly we laughed – the good things. Were there tough things? You bet. Had I been authentic throughout our relationship, I suspect I would have handled those things differently. However, the lessons I learned were  and are valuable.

What I am left with is love: not only for Simon – for his beautiful daughter as well. And I am left with a deep love for my beautiful friends, knowing I am blessed to have so many.

I am left feeling compassion and love for myself and for this world/earth/universe/Mother that I am connected to. We are all one. This I know. And at the heart of that connection is love.

And that is how I walked through the day on Maple Mountain.

About goodyniosi

Writer, avid(!!!) hiker - living life to the fullest. Love, life, bliss - getting high on getting high (in the alpine that is)
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