One result of the Hoffman Process is clarity about what I am feeling. Okay – maybe not clarity – I sometimes still need time to let that clarity develop. But what has occurred is me actually feeling my emotions.
You can’t selectively shut down one emotion – they all go numb. So I’m learning to let my emotions leak out of my eyes now and then. I am learning to honour my emotional self. It’s a process.
It helps that Mike is so in touch with his emotions and allows himself to feel them. It helps that he points out times when I cover mine up or make them less than what they are. Uncomfortable – but oh so good.
And so, given that, I was thinking today about how I feel. And wouldn’t it be nice if I could stand my emotions in a nice, orderly row, give them each a label, recognize them, give them a nod and then brush the dust off my hands: there – that’s handled. Got them all. Yup – there they are.
It doesn’t work quite that way. My emotions come tumbling out in disarray and complete disorder. Just when I think I’ve got one nailed down, another one jumps up and the first one gets confused and before I know it I have a dozen different feelings running amok all over me.
Trying to sort them out can be futile. Best, I think, to give in and feel them and trust that that’s enough.
So what am I feeling? Mostly love – and gratitude – also trepidation, confusion, anxiety and sadness.
I feel love for the amazing people in my life – my friends are the best in the world. So, naturally – huge gratitude for all these people who, for some amazing reason, care about me and love me.
I am torn too: of course I love Simon. I can’t imagine not loving him. And sometimes my heart still hurts. But that is a love that is changing from loving as my partner to loving as a friend and, even more importantly, a beautiful soul.
And while I still struggle with this loss, I love Mike more deeply and I wonder – where will this go and will it move towards what we both envision?
So between still letting go of my last relationship and opening up to this new one, there are a myriad of feelings in a great, messy heap. And I’m okay with that.