I was driving back from the Nanaimo River Park this afternoon, a very wet and very happy Abby in the back seat – listening to CBC and the old Ian Tyson song came on: “Four Strong Winds” and I start to cry. Not big sobs – just that teary thing that happens to me now and then.

Part of grieving and letting go – and at the same time, I held joy. How is this possible? To be joyous and weepy at the same time. But it is.

Because tears, as we all know, are not always about sorrow. Sometimes they are happy tears and sometimes, in this case I think, just a spilling over of huge emotions. And because until very recently, I hadn’t cried in so long, I’m not surprised that they come up as often as they do.

And I welcome them. I welcome my feelings. Our emotions – our emotional self – so important to embrace that and honour it and listen to it.

I don’t ever want to be “tough” again. I thought (bought into) that in order to be strong – in order to make it in this world and be successful at anything, I had to be strictly logical, reasonable and, well – tough. Tears were a sign of weakness – oh – and tears were manipulative. Yep – bought into that one too.

No more. I simply want to live my life being fully human. Fully me. Fully real. Fully feeling.

And sometimes, that takes courage. I guess I chose that word for 2019 for a reason.