Exciting news: I appear to have my pack weight down to 23 pounds! It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you decide that food is not important.
I’ve got enough to get by, but nothing I have to cook. So I don’t have a stove and besides, I’m only packing for 3 days this time. I have less of everything. Did I forget anything? Hell – who knows!
And the other piece of good news for me is that once I set up my tent, it stays set up for two nights, so my big day is hiking with a day pack (i.e. my big pack with essentially nothing in it but some food and water.)
So I’m excited. I’ll set off early in the morning. I’d like to be on the trail by 11 a.m. And then I can just take my time getting to the top of the ridge. No deadlines. No one to please but myself. It appears we’re going to have three days of good weather.
I woke up this morning with my chest (where I tend to hold my emotions) churning. What was I feeling? I identified sadness, grief, fear, love, anxiety, anticipation – and I’m sure there were more but all so convoluted and intertwined that I had a hard time untangling them and naming them.
I listened to my gut – I felt all kinds of love for Simon and was flooded with memories of the good times. And if I was going to embark on an adventure with someone else, I did not want him to find out through any form of social media, including my blog. It felt disrespectful.
And so now, after a kind email interchange, I feel complete in a way I didn’t before.
I have lovely memories. I regret not a single thing about our five years together. There was a time that I thought I did, even though I knew that regret is both feeble and futile. Now, at a distance, I see the beauty of him and feel blessed to have spent the time with him that I did.
And I feel more ready than before to move forward and embrace new joy in my life. New love. New adventures. New visions. New dreams.
But at this exact moment, I feel blessed that I am heading off up Flower Ridge tomorrow – that I am going to spend this time on my own. I am not setting off to think or ponder or to make any decisions or even to gain clarity. I am simply setting off to be quiet and to let myself be absorbed by this beautiful place. And I am more than willing to embrace the thoughts and emotions that come my way.