I suppose it was on my walk on the Awesome Trail with Abby today that I reflected about my life – about my OCD tendencies. Tendencies? Ha! I suspect there are those who would say “Full-blown, out-of-control OCD to say the least.”
But I don’t care. It all dates back to my early thirties when I was anorexic. Truthfully, of course, it dates way back before then – to early childhood. But of course I would be reflecting on that now – now that I have once again done some preparatory work for the Hoffman Process.
And this is good – I want to delve into all of this. I want to be clear. I want to unpack the luggage I’ve been dragging around with me for most of my life – all of my life really. I can’t imagine how much lighter I will feel without all this baggage. With any luck, I’ll be left with a day pack – or a small carry-on at the most.
At any rate, much as I adore hiking and much as being in the alpine is what speaks to my soul, my obsession with getting out and moving my body is partly (largely?) OCD. It’s a holdover from my anorexia – this need to be fit and strong and thin. If I don’t get out at least every second or third day, I fear sluggishness – I actually begin to feel like a slug – and I worry that all my health and fitness will disappear overnight.
Yes, the sane part of my brain scoffs at this, but there is a visceral, emotional bit that will not be easily calmed.
I suppose just recognizing it and being aware is a step in the right direction.
And there is work to do.