I think one of the points of this life (and god knows I’ve been trying to find THE point of it forever) is to uncover who we really are: to be our selves – to live a life of authenticity.
This seems simple – straightforward. Damn, it is not – at least, not for me.
We are born to imperfect parents and, as babies, we want to be loved, accepted, nurtured, nourished. We will do whatever it takes to be held and cuddled and loved. And, unless we have perfect parents (!?) we’re going to do some things that are less than, shall we say “healthy.” For me, being loved meant being a “good girl.” It meant placating my mother. It meant a lot of “being seen and not heard,” it meant being obedient, it meant avoiding conflict at all costs.
The problem is that as we grow up, we don’t grow out of these imprinted behaviours. We take them with us into relationships and, depending on the imprinted behaviours of our partners, this can be pretty damn unworkable.
And so I have spent time in my life working on letting go of what I think of as survival mechanisms (that no longer serve me) and uncovering who I really am.
It can be argued that who I really am is a spiritual being made of stardust and none of these earthly behaviours mean a thing. And that’s quite true. But I do have this human body for this period of time and with that comes a personality and a mind and I do believe I am here with all these blessings and curses in order to learn some lessons.
The learning I have so far is that the more I shed the survival tricks I learned – the more I shed the things that aren’t authentically me – the better my life works.
I am happiest when I am in the mountains – high in the alpine. I am also happiest when I catch those moment of bliss – when I feel part of the amazing universal spirit. And so I feel pretty damn committed to doing more of this work – of getting to be more and more me.
It’s a work in progress. The lessons don’t always feel good. But I do feel like I am on the right path.