My “waking up in the middle of the night” anxieties are varied these days.
There’s the horrible sadness of losing Simon. And there are the constant money worries (old familiar ones – still fearing I will die in an ally being eaten by rabid cats). There are the anxieties of moving – so much involved and always stressful. And, right now, the big concern about finding a place to live that I can actually afford.
It’s not just Vancouver Island that is expensive – just for fun I looked at rentals in this area – Nelson is madly expensive. And then, of course, there’s the whole thing of supply and demand. Can I even find any place at all?
Whew! What the hell would I do with my time if I didn’t have anything to worry about?
I do my best to get to that “Law of Attraction” place, which I imagine as somewhere serene – a place of being in the moment and putting trust in the fact that the universe will provide what I put out. So, for two minutes I put out millions of positive vibes: i.e. “I will find the perfect place.” Or, “The perfect home exists and it is coming my way.”
This is immediately countered by “Ohmygod! What if I have to live in a shoebox?
I am not a Law of Attraction master.
And for heaven’s sakes! I put it out to the universe three days ago that I need a place to live! Well? Where is it? What is taking so long?
Meanwhile, there’s Simon, cool as can be, contacting real estate agents, mulling over his choices, completely confident that his life is moving forward in the right direction. Okay, for all I know, he’s paddling furiously under the water but on the surface, it sure looks might serene.
So we took a walk with the dogs today in the sunshine. Last night we played drunken Scrabble. Life continues to move forward. I feel a bit like I’m on a speeding train and I am not the engineer – can’t even get near the controls.
Deep breath. One day at a time.
And in the end – one day – it will feel nice to be in charge of my life again.