What better time to think about your life and all its big questions than 4 a.m. when you wake up and can’t get back to sleep?
Yup – that’s what I was doing last night (this morning) – or perhaps, more accurately, that’s what I was feeling.
Where to start? I can begin by saying that my heart hurts – and it’s hard for me to write that here. Although my blog is personal, I sometimes fear getting “too” personal – of opening up completely. On the other hand, it’s my blog and it’s about me and I feel an obligation to be open and honest.
My heart hurts. The reality that Simon and I are going to part is coming closer. What I mean is that it’s moving rapidly from an idea to solid plans. Simon is looking at properties in the Kootenays; and we talked about selling the truck or Simon keeping the truck and me taking the car.
I’m completely behind what he is doing. This is his dream and I want him to live that dream. I want him to be happy and fulfilled and to do all these things he has always wanted to do. And for the past few weeks, that’s all I’ve been focussing on: that we are both going to live the life that suits us – Simon in the “middle of nowhere” and me back on Vancouver Island.
And then there’s 4 a.m. And I thought about living back on the island and hiking all my favourite spots. I thought about the hike from Genoa Bay up Mount Tzouhalem and wondered if I would ever be able to do that trek again. That was where Simon and I hiked on that day that we call our anniversary – on October 5. This was the place where we kissed for the first time. This was the place where we knew….
And will I ever be able to walk the Green Trail again?
I thought about all those early days – the joy we shared. I thought about our Silly Idiot Grins (SIGman and SIGlady). I thought about how happy we were. I thought about our love.
I thought how very much I will miss him. I say that here – but until we part, I won’t really feel it. I won’t know the actual ache until it’s there. But I’ve lived enough life to have a pretty solid idea of how that will feel.
And so at 4 a.m., I lay in bed in a puddle of ache, knowing there was no alternative solution.
Oh sometimes I think there is – I think, “How do other couples do it?”
I mean, we love each other – so what is going on?
Well, love isn’t always enough. I can always change my mind and jump into this middle of nowhere off-the-grid thing. But I know I would not be happy. And that’s where our age difference plays a role. It’s certainly not the only factor but it’s an important one. Maybe 20 years ago I would have been more willing to dive in head first and say “what the hell!”
But now? I want a cozy home – a nest – a retreat. And I want to travel and have unforgettable experiences.
Simon wouldn’t be happy changing his plans for me And the first thing about love – wanting the other person to live his dreams – aiding, abetting and cheering them on.
Even if it makes the heart hurt.