That Helpless Feeling

I’m wavering between despair, sadness, apathy, anger and frustration.

Not surprisingly, most of this is all about world news: people murdering people just because they are Jewish or black or purple or polka-dotted – good, kind, decent people with the “wrong” religion or skin colour or beliefs. I despair over the instatement of right-wing fascists in countries like Italy and Brazil (and the U.S. if we want to tell the truth). These people are set on mining the last mineral, chopping down the last tree and blasting the top of the final mountain if it makes them a profit for a day – to hell with the earth or the creatures living on it.

As I said, I waver between despair and anger – and emotions I can’t even put a name to.

My instinctive reaction, being who I am, is to run. But I can’t and if I could – where to? Where is there a safe place on this planet?

I can have my days of joy – and I do have them. I can escape temporarily to the alpine or to the forest and then what? Then I am back in the world and I hear about more bombings or shootings – I learn about the atrocities man is capable of – starving children in Yemen: war’s collateral damage. I see photos of people gloating over the carcass of a beautiful wild creature they just murdered so they can mount its head on a wall. I hear about greedy billionaires tearing up the lungs of the planet so they can make burgers for MacDonald’s. I hear about displaced humans desperately seeking a new home because their old one has been destroyed and those who destroyed it don’t give a damn.

And on and on it goes.

What am I to do? Me – one human, and a pretty insignificant one at that.

Yes, I can vote and I do and I vote for people who break their promises and it’s business as usual. The billionaires own this world and they will do what they like. Will we rise up? Maybe – but when we do we will be mowed down by the armies that belong to the ruling class.

Helpless.

And I’m back to thinking the only thing to do is run.

But where?

Looking around me, I see people continuing to live their ordinary lives (as do I) – shopping, eating out, walking their dogs, doing laundry (all of which I do) and I wonder – do they care? Do they know what is going on? Do they rationalize it away thinking “It’s not as bad as it seems?”

Very few people I talk to discuss this issue – this climate disaster that is upon us and those who do, inevitably express hope that we can turn it around. And I suppose you have to have hope. How else can you go on?

I don’t know if I have hope – perhaps a far one – perhaps some crazy miracle – like winning a lottery.

Meanwhile, it’s back to living my life as best I can, doing the best I can, consciously pulling myself up every day – and on some days it’s not easy.

Little things – so far the small changes have been largely successful – mesh bags and beeswax instead of plastic – but I tried with the butter substitute. I tried for a week. I can’t do it. I almost vomited yesterday. Yes, the spread is organic – but I can’t do it. I can give up the cheese. But I am afraid I have to go back to butter.

I am disappointed in myself. I would have hoped I could make that small sacrifice. Well, at least it keeps me humble and understanding when people don’t give up stuff that they “should.” (note quotation marks)

I am very far from perfect. I am so far from being even remotely good at this. Ideally, I would either live in a shack in the woods and live off the land (berries and roots) or live in a tiny space in the middle of the city and walk everywhere.

As I said – I am so far from that right now.

Oh well.

About goodyniosi

Writer, avid(!!!) hiker - living life to the fullest. Love, life, bliss - getting high on getting high (in the alpine that is)
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