Yes – mid-life.
I read recently that what with people living longer and with a change in attitude, the 70s are the new 50s – or even 40s. Therefore, I am in mid-life and I hereby declare it to be a crisis of sorts.
I am asking all the right questions. You know, the existential ones. What is life? What is the meaning of life? Why me, here, at this time and in this place? What is my purpose? Oh sure – I’ve done this work and done it quite well – back in the traditional days of mid-life. But, as some people enter a second childhood, I have entered a second mid-age and my questions now are broader. I am not so much questioning what is my purpose as in what are my unique gifts. I am asking the question as in, why am I alive and what is the greater purpose and what legacy will I leave behind?
Clearly, rainy days aren’t good for me. But then, hiking isn’t exactly a “purpose” is it? Yes, it’s wonderful and it gets all the endorphins dancing but at the end of the day when I’ve had my bubble bath, then what? What difference does it make in this world?
How is this one life making an impact? It seems that it should, otherwise why even bother taking up air?
Classic mid-life crisis?
It’s time for change. This isn’t the first occasion in my life when I’ve felt a strong need for change. I had it in a big way as a teen. I kept wanting to start my life over again – to reset. I almost felt like I was the wrong person or living in the wrong body in the wrong place. I remember trying so hard to fit into the life I had and feeling as though I didn’t. Hence my messed up late teens and early twenties.
I had that feeling over and over again. Here it is again.
I was content for a number of years – and now, once again I find myself feeling like I don’t fit in with where I am. And I feel that same sense of stuckness that I did when I was a teen – I feel limited in my options – struggling to break free.
This has nothing to do with the man I love – in fact, I’m not yet sure what it has to do with. But I’m working on it.
Thank goodness I’m hiking tomorrow. Clear my head. And on Wednesday I am taking a very long walk – 32K – nothing like a very long walk to clear my head.
And now a word from our sponsor – salads – making a huge one from the garden for a dinner at a friend’s tonight. Worked in the garden and survived it with only 4 or 5 mosquito bites (yay!)
I love eating out of the garden. Really, really love it.
So much about my life to love, including my sweetie – but I have always searched for more – and here I am again.