If I were looking for a place to live on my own today, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. And that made me very sad.
I have spent a good deal of my time today examining the source of this sorrow. I think it comes down to a couple of things: first, I feel like a failure. All the years I’ve put in working and then finally not working and feeling secure and like I had done enough to ensure a comfortable retirement – and suddenly – not so.
I look at my peers, all of whom own houses (some more than one) and all of whom are comfortably well off. And I feel like a failure. There they all are, drifting on in life, all set to travel and do what they want to do and I’m still searching for something.
And the other thing is that I now feel that I am not free to live the life I want to live. I know that this is overstating the situation and I am being a bit of a drama queen stating it this way. Let me explain. What I want: I beautiful home (not big – just pretty and charming), a bit of land to grow a few things, a landscape that calls to me, time to travel and time to have adventures with my love.
It feels like I’m asking for a lot. Perhaps too much. It all seems totally out of reach. I feel like I can no longer choose where to be. It has to be here.
Oh I know – that’s not a bad thing. In fact, this is a beautiful part of the world and I am surrounded by amazing people. It’s the “choice” thing. I don’t want to have to be here because I have to be here. I want to want to be here if that makes any sense. And, in many ways, I do want to be here.
Yeah – making no sense at all. I suppose I don’t want to make the best of things – I want to sail into the next adventure full-on loving it.
All that said (and I think I was just trying to get it all out of my system), I am fully aware that I create my own reality and I am the master of my destiny etc. etc. I put myself here by choice. I can find exciting and wonderful reasons to stay here. I can have everything I want as soon as I get through this pouty bit.
I have a feeling I’m going to get through it quickly. Underlying everything else is a sense of excitement and “things happening.”