Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting through the days – of finding the small bright spots. For instance, today we have 2.5 minutes more daylight than yesterday. This is good. Today, as we snowshoed up Payne Bluffs, Nicky spotted an imminent hint of blue. She insisted it was actual blue sky. I suggested colour blindness might have been a factor. However, to give her due credit, by the time we got back to the car, there was a touch of blue – a little hole in the fog of grey.
Plan A – as usual did no materialize. Skiing at Busk – not to be. I was more than happy to drive as far as the Hitching Post but when I realized I would have to drive to the Nordic Centre, it was a no-go. I know what that road is like, especially today after snowfall in Nelson overnight.
Plan B was probably better anyway. I wanted a bit of uphill and Payne Bluffs delivers. It was a nice, quick two-plus hour go and I think we all had fun. We also came up with ideas for future snowshoeing trips. Near future, I hope.
I am very much looking forward to our snowshoe trip at Strawberry Pass tomorrow. And if the dogs knew, at least one of them would be excited too. Abby not so much – but she’ll be happy to be out with family.
For a large part, it seems my days now consist of getting through them. And I don’t like that. I’m not used to this feeling. I am used to loving my life, to waking up in the mornings feeling blessed, to having a lovely life. But these days, I find myself searching for the spark.
As Nicky said on the way home today, “Shine” is a good word for me this year. I am determined to find it, live it, embed it in me, and not lose it again. Right now it’s a daily struggle. I’m glad that I get through every day extracting the good from it, making meaningful things happen – writing stories, hiking, snowshoeing – saying yes to opportunities no matter how small. For instance, just now we said yes to the Winter Blues Festival and I’m going to wear my beautiful dress and shoes even if everyone else is wearing jeans.
I know why I am finding the days hard – I simply need to find strategies to reverse it. And I don’t think it’s just the place or the season – it’s also not “working” after doing it for so many years. Work was a strategy I employed to fill many of my needs. I have to find different ways of meeting those needs.
Work gave me admiration, a huge sense of achievement, and even autonomy given I worked from home and could choose my assignments. Those are the three big ones for me. Now I have to meet my needs from an internal place. This is a transition. And I have noticed that I am spending a good deal more time inside myself. Not becoming a recluse – but tempted to. I’m disciplined – I know how to set my goals and achieve them as in – how many stories a week to write and so on. I have to learn to give myself more credit – pat myself on the back – and not look for that from outside myself.
Autonomy is the one I struggle with most. There are days I feel like a prisoner – when I want to scream and rattle the cage. Again however, I have to remind myself that it’s not as bad as all that. No – I do NOT like asking to be driven somewhere – but I can. I can make it work. I have to make it work.
I suspect that once I have it all working – once I figure it out – once I get back to waking up in the morning feeling blessed – I will begin to find my shine.