It wasn’t really a hike – just a nice, long dog walk. But it did, as always, make a difference to my day. I’m not sure it’s because I’m outside or because walking is my moving meditation and it allows me to (not) think. And that’s the thing – I’m not sure if I’m thinking when I walk or if I’m just allowing whatever is in my mind to drift across my consciousness. Whichever it is, I like the results – almost inevitably.
So – what about today? I’ve been chewing on a lot of inner things. I’ve been in a state of transition for a while now – and not surprisingly so: I met Simon, I left my home, I quit working, I moved to another part of the country and I’ve been building a new sort of life for myself. These are multiple changes. That’s not a good thing or a bad thing but it all adds up to a jolt right out of my comfortable, predictable life.
These days, when Simon asks me what I want to do or how I feel about my home, I can’t answer. I don’t know. Every emotion and thought is evolving almost daily. I know that I have to wait to see what the future holds for me. All I know for sure is that I have adored this summer. I have never hiked more intensely or spent more bliss time in the mountains. It’s a thing of wonder, beauty and fulfillment.
Are there things that are less than ideal here? Of course there are – but that can be said of any place in the world.
Do I feel like this is home? Yes and no. Yes because Simon and I have created a cozy home where we feel warm and safe and where love abides. No because it’s not my “home place.” And that’s okay. I’m good with that.
But none of that was the point of today’s thinking. Today I wanted to know how to become fully authentic. I am not. My starting point is realizing today how broken I am. I had a childhood that shaped me in ways that I wish I had not been formed. But those traumatic experiences that occurred then – and later, it must be said, have created the person I am. I can’t undo them or make them disappear. I can only acknowledge them, understand they made me who I am and take it from there.
I like the idea of dying before I die. I embrace the notion that I can take all these experiences of my life, say, “Yes, that occurred,” and then let go. I have done some of this work and done it well. But there are more miles to walk.
But I wonder – does it have to take time and effort? Is there another path to this? If there is, its name is courage because the only thing holding me back from treading on this road is fear.