Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine.
It started a beautiful, powerful and thought-provoking discussion. That discussion will continue with a group in California. Here – it is merely playing in my mind and soul.
Unfuck yourself. How do I do this? Annette wondered. My first thought was that you have to know what makes you bliss out – and then do that. Do it over and over and over again. Find your bliss and be in that space/place/time/activity as much as you possibly can. That is your shine and that shine will linger longer and longer when you return to the “real” world.
And then I wondered. How do we get fucked-up in the first place? It starts pretty early. The bliss of childhood seems to be taken away from us earlier and earlier in our lives: learn to read, to achieve, to play the piano, dance, get a black belt, excel at a sport – and on and on. What happened to unstructured play? what happened to “let’s pretend?”
Getting away from adults was one of our first lines of defense against fuck-upedness.
But we all got fucked-up anyway – by the system: education and just plain old capitalism that wants obedient workers that follow orders. If we all remembered our shine and sent out our beams every day, the system would collapse.
But it’s never too late to reclaim our shine. Each of us is a star. We glow at our unique frequency. We are special. Unique. Our shine does not depend on someone else. We do not need to be polished. We are perfect exactly as we are. Our only problem is that we are who we are not.
Countless systems have been developed that are supposed to give us back our shine. I tend to be skeptical of most of them. I’m not sure that “analyzing” anything or anyone is a good way to get at what defies analysis and logic. We are stardust, connected to a universe we don’t truly understand. We are a part of the magic – we are linked to everything from a supernova to a bee gathering pollen in a field of lupins and anemones.
For now, I will go back to my first instinct. Find your bliss and do everything in your power not to lose it or move away from it. Embrace it. Be in that place.
Never lose your connection nature. The disconnect from all that majesty, beauty and life is a sure way to lose your shine.
My shine? I’m not sure I will ever stop working on it. Every year of my life brings me just a tiny bit closer. There have been times when I was completely lost – totally fucked. Bit by bit I unfucked myself. I am still not unfucked. But day by day and year by year, I am getting there. I don’t know how close I’ll get in the end – but I’m aiming to get closer.
Consciously or not, I’ve managed to get myself to a place where I am in bliss much of the time. My home is the mountains. “Home” was one of the words I chose for 2017. Home is not this house, much as I have come to feel good here – and settled. Home is the mountains – and these mountains in particular are speaking to me.
Home is with the man I love and what we are building together. And while my bliss is in the alpine, my solid contentment is with my love. (not to mention giddy laughter and utter silliness)
Most of all, home is inside me – in my connection to the Mother – to all life – to the beauty around me. I am a speck in all of this – this universe of magic is my home.
My other word for 2017 is “fierce.” And by that, I mean intensity and commitment to self. As I embrace home, I sense the fierceness of it. Somehow, this is all connected. Somehow, everything is beginning to fall into place.
My shine. Unfucking myself. That seems like a very good project right now.