Today, I gave myself time off from thinking about what I should be doing; I gave myself time away from worrying about what is to come or even what has already transpired. Just a tiny bit of time to be in the now.
I got my chores done this morning – all the usual upkeep a family needs. I took the dogs down to Bannock Point and let an exuberant Shanara chase sticks in the water while Abby looked on with a great deal of boredom.
Then – with everything done – sitting here, realizing there is nothing else I have to do today – and I have time just for me. Yes, I’m looking forward to hiking tomorrow and then planting my garden. But right now – all I have to do is sit – and perhaps think.
What I’m happy about: that I am re-involving myself in the Pursuit of Excellence and that this is going to be a busy and exciting time and that Cathy and I are going to make a very big difference in people’s lives. I’m also happy that I have dropped writing as work.
When I retired, I retired partly. I find it interesting that every time I told people that I had retired, I immediately followed that up with the statement that writers never retire. Well, maybe they do. When you earn your living as a writer, it ceases to become a pure pleasure and often becomes a chore, especially when the writing involves a business publication. Even when I started writing books – I remember how I felt immediately after my first book was published – that I had to publish at least one a year. That was a bar I set and for three years, I did just that – then a two-year pause – and after that three years. And then, when I didn’t immediately publish again, I felt like a failure.
Enough of all that. I believe it may be time to redefine myself.
Like so many people, I have spent most of my life as a human doing instead of a human being – defining my identity and even my worth by my productivity.
I think it’s time to slow down the pace and to listen to what my soul tells me. I may have to re-learn many things. First, I have to learn to be true to myself and to who I am.
Right now – at this exact moment – I know that I love sitting quietly in a house that is still and peaceful, simply writing down my thoughts. I may also want to do some more writing- my experimental piece that I started a couple of weeks ago. But where that goes? It doesn’t matter. I have no goal to publish. All I want to do is derive pleasure from the activity.
I am reminded of what Simon said about his music – all he wants to do is play for his pleasure – and he wants to do that in his man-cave. Right now, this quiet space is my “she-shed” – and it’s a fine place to be.