big dreams/small dreams

I think one of my downfalls is that I have always dreamed big. Granted, some of those dreams were a tad out of reach – like wanting to be a big white stallion roaming free in the foothills of the Rockies. In my defense, it must be said that this was when I was very young and had no clear idea that humans could not morph magically into animals.

I dreamed once of being a university professor. And then there was the time I dreamed about being a farmer’s wife and having ten children by age 32. (10!?) Whew – glad I escaped that one.

I got into the film industry and dreamed about winning an academy award for best editing. No – really! I did! Yes, I was nominated for a few awards including a Clio and I did win a Bessie – but that was TV commercials. I did NOT make it to Hollywood.

No matter what I turned my hand to, I wanted to do it well – and in a very big way – chasing after admiration.

What I have found is that when you dream big, you also tumble big and you face big disappointments. At one point, I had to give up on becoming a horse, although not entirely. For a while I shifted to running away from home and heading west, making friends with the big horse and riding wild on his back through the rolling hills.

Yeah – that didn’t happen either. One more disappointment.

I’ve gotten older and when that happens, your possibilities tend to narrow a wee bit. One dream gets replaced with another and so on. I still have ambitions but once again, I believe they are on their way to changing.

I recently finished writing a book that I’ve been pitching to agents. My deal is – one agent a day. Some I have not heard from; others have sent really nice rejection letters. Today’s rejection was worthwhile reading over several times. It confirmed what has been nagging at the back of my mind ever since I finished writing – it’s not good enough.

What I know for sure is that when I finish a project, if I’m not excited about it – if I am not enthusiastic, how can I expect anyone else to be?

I believe that I have recently written some good short pieces – strong articles for magazines, but this book? No.

What I have to ask myself now is where do I go from here?

I am not unhappy or upset. I just feel odd. I have to do some deep searching. I have to examine my “writer” dreams. I have to look at the future and determine what I am going to build there.

Simon has also suggested that it is up to me to determine where we will live. So – changes are coming on all fronts. And it’s not as though I haven’t had enough change lately.

Oh well.

Bring it on, I suppose. What I really need is to be out in the mountains as much as possible. Those great goddesses in the sky know how to answer questions and deliver peace.

About goodyniosi

Writer, avid(!!!) hiker - living life to the fullest. Love, life, bliss - getting high on getting high (in the alpine that is)
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