I think one of my downfalls is that I have always dreamed big. Granted, some of those dreams were a tad out of reach – like wanting to be a big white stallion roaming free in the foothills of the Rockies. In my defense, it must be said that this was when I was very young and had no clear idea that humans could not morph magically into animals.
I dreamed once of being a university professor. And then there was the time I dreamed about being a farmer’s wife and having ten children by age 32. (10!?) Whew – glad I escaped that one.
I got into the film industry and dreamed about winning an academy award for best editing. No – really! I did! Yes, I was nominated for a few awards including a Clio and I did win a Bessie – but that was TV commercials. I did NOT make it to Hollywood.
No matter what I turned my hand to, I wanted to do it well – and in a very big way – chasing after admiration.
What I have found is that when you dream big, you also tumble big and you face big disappointments. At one point, I had to give up on becoming a horse, although not entirely. For a while I shifted to running away from home and heading west, making friends with the big horse and riding wild on his back through the rolling hills.
Yeah – that didn’t happen either. One more disappointment.
I’ve gotten older and when that happens, your possibilities tend to narrow a wee bit. One dream gets replaced with another and so on. I still have ambitions but once again, I believe they are on their way to changing.
I recently finished writing a book that I’ve been pitching to agents. My deal is – one agent a day. Some I have not heard from; others have sent really nice rejection letters. Today’s rejection was worthwhile reading over several times. It confirmed what has been nagging at the back of my mind ever since I finished writing – it’s not good enough.
What I know for sure is that when I finish a project, if I’m not excited about it – if I am not enthusiastic, how can I expect anyone else to be?
I believe that I have recently written some good short pieces – strong articles for magazines, but this book? No.
What I have to ask myself now is where do I go from here?
I am not unhappy or upset. I just feel odd. I have to do some deep searching. I have to examine my “writer” dreams. I have to look at the future and determine what I am going to build there.
Simon has also suggested that it is up to me to determine where we will live. So – changes are coming on all fronts. And it’s not as though I haven’t had enough change lately.
Bring it on, I suppose. What I really need is to be out in the mountains as much as possible. Those great goddesses in the sky know how to answer questions and deliver peace.