And I suppose that means that if I follow up and write about all this thinking, this is going to be one heckuva muddled and incomprehensible post.
So let’s just say that I got chores done today; I got my writing done. And my thoughts are heavy enough that what I really want to do right now – at this exact moment – is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I am not sad, not depressed, not unhappy – just woolly and heavy-feeling – wanting to go into hibernation until spring arrives or until the aliens come to beam me up – one of those. Whichever comes first.
Today my motivation for doing anything at all is at neap tide. And that means pulling myself up by my bootstraps and soldiering on. Trouble is, I feel like I’ve been doing so much of the bootstrap-pulling thing for so long that I’m running out of motivation to even do that.
And then I get quite angry with myself. Considering my blessings – and what an amazing life I have – I should not (should not!!!) be feeling this way. I should be celebrating every moment of my life.
And mostly, I think I do.
Simon talked again today about putting the house up for sale and that made me think about “home” – one of my words for 2017. I feel uprooted. Worse, I don’t see any possibility of finding a place to call home. I know Simon is my home – I know we will always create a good space wherever we are. But a place to put down roots – sometimes that feels so elusive – so unreachable.
And perhaps that’s just the way I feel at this exact moment. In an hour, I could be in an entirely different mood. Maybe it’s just this endless winter that is getting to me. And the fact that I have not been able to drive myself anywhere for a week. I do feel the loss of freedom.
The sum total of it all – as far as feelings go – is that I am very tired. I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.
We humans are such odd creatures. Unlike other living beings, we seem to need some sort of spiritual motivation – something bigger than ourselves. We need a path – goals to strive for. We need meaning. And I’m working on it – just not doing so well with it today. But that’s the way it goes for all of us: some days are brighter than others and some – well, roads have twists, turns and speed bumps. As long as we don’t let them stop us, we’ll be okay.