It’s nothing new to my life. I think I first started asking myself this when I was a young teen. And it’s not that I’m idle and not doing things. I strive every day to make a path – make a difference. And it’s not as though I’m not content. I am most of the time.
For instance, today has been perfectly lovely. Simon is creating miracles in the bathroom – no, that is not hyperbole. If you could see the state of it and the way it was built with uneven walls and ceilings and plumbing fixtures put in by a non-plumber, then you’d see what I mean by miracles. When it’s all finished, there will be photos – I may even post before and afters – In fact, yesterday Simon already posted some of those on his blog – https://simonlindley.net/blog/.
I got all my items ticked off today – the writing and all that good stuff – plus some laundry. I was even able to shower in the upstairs bathroom today. And then Simon drove the dogs and me to the awesome trail where we had a really good walk. I do need to get out.
And now I’m here feeling quite content to be writing my blog – content to be cooking dinner later today. Happy enough to be getting out for a few hours on snowshoes tomorrow.
And still, there’s that persistent tiny voice in my head wanting to know, “What’s it really all for?”
I’m pretty sure that when I start having some wins (getting published again and so on) that I’ll feel marvellous. But even that fades. And then there’s the bigger question – what’s it about – all of this life? What difference have I made? One day it will all be over and as far as the universe is concerned, I won’t have made an ounce of difference.
Or perhaps I will.
Given this enormous space/time continuum with all its life – billions upon billions of sentient beings – so many trillions that we can’t grasp the enormity of the number, living on planets we have not even come close to discovering, what difference can one speck of humanity on a remote planet in an inauspicious galaxy really make?
It’s enough sometimes to make me want to throw my hands up and wonder why I bother. Why even get up in the morning?
And yet I do, as do we all. Life compels us – calls us forward and refuses to curl up its toes. Life is bigger than one lone individual. Here we are, pieces of some immense puzzle, playing roles we don’t even know about – drawn into each other’s orbits, somehow touching points here and there and creating ripples somewhere that perhaps make a difference in the entire fabric.
To believe this is to have faith in meaning.