No, this is not about yet one more pages of snowy landscapes (which were as pretty today as ever) and it’s not about the pages I finished writing yesterday (469 of them – and the end of my manuscript) or about the pages Simon sent me(25 chapters worth because he has been assiduously working on his book again) or the many pages of my blog or even about turning over a new page because this is New Year’s Eve and tomorrow is the beginning of another new year.
No – this is about being on the same page as my love.
We talked a lot yesterday, as we haven’t talked for some time. It wasn’t until we were doing this – delving into our feelings and thoughts and plans for the future, that I realized how much I had missed it. And I think (not sure mind you – but I think) that what has got me down since we moved out here has not been so much the place or the lack of hiking or the property or my inability to drive on icy roads as it has been the fact that it has seemed to me that Simon and I were not quite on the same page.
We’d been so aligned on everything before. I loved hearing him play his music, adored and admired his passion for it. I loved his writing and was excited at the devotion he showed for it. We spent a lot of time just communing, if you will – we were so in agreement about everything. Then this house came along and we seemed to part ways. The important values were still there. We were also unshakeably in love with each other. But that forward momentum we’d experienced together seemed to have hit a Y in the road – there was a divergence.
I could not have put words to this until yesterday. Until last night when we talked and I actually felt like talking and opening up and sharing what was real for me. Interestingly, we didn’t even start off talking about this property at all – just about the manuscript I had finished and what my plans for it were and how I felt about it. But then we ended up talking in a half-sleep mode late last night.
And it was good. I felt closer to Simon than I had in ages. I felt happier, brighter, more alive and focussed, more purposeful. I don’t know what all this means – that I am too dependent on him?
I think not. I think we have honestly achieved a place of interdependence where we are strong, autonomous people, able to fully and happily function on our own but choosing to go out into the world together to forge our way, looking out not only for our individual happiness but each others’ as well.
Having decided that this property was a detour on our path and making a decision about moving forward, I feel excited again – a world of possibilities opens up. Simon and his writing and music – me and my writing and hiking – together seeking and finding adventure, fun, harmony and purpose.
This excites me and gives me life – gives my life meaning. I sense so much possibility.
Oh sure, we’ll have obstacles to overcome and challenges to meet. But we are a formidable team – almost as good as our dogs who decided today to go on a joint running-away adventure instead of returning directly to the truck after our walk – getting into trouble they were. Teamwork – yup!
And so, I am excited about this coming year. What a different New Year’s Eve! Last year, I was wearing my new dress and shoes and dancing the night away while Sion fronted his band and sang and we kissed on the stage at midnight.
Tonight we’ll be playing drunken Scrabble and trying to get into as much illicit trouble as we can within the confines of our home.