The snowline is dropping. This morning, as I drove home from the little cabin in town, I hit that line where the rain became snow. We live in the snow zone. And so, this too is something I shall get used to. I will adapt.
Simon is working so hard. Pulling out the old insulation is proving to be a challenge in places. And I suppose that shouldn’t surprise us because when you take on these projects (at least in my experience) surprises seem to be the norm.
But he’s doing it. Today I contributed what I could: shopped, walked the dogs twice, made lunch for him.
Tomorrow – laundry. And the next day, floors. Doing what I can. Letting go of guilt. Guilt doesn’t serve me and will only keep me stuck.
It struck me when I was home today that it is home. This cabin is really no better than a tent or any motel room I have ever stayed in – and I’ve stayed in an awful lot. This is a place to take shelter for a while and to sleep. What Simon and I are creating is a home.
Before I drove off this afternoon I remembered to tell him because watching him work filled me with such a rush of love that I had to tell him in the only way I could at the time. Simon responded as only this lovely man could – by saying he loved our home too – but not the house necessarily – he loved him and me: home.
I do too. I understand that anywhere we are together with love, that is home. We may face our share of challenges and maybe more than our share but where we are, where we love and care for each other, that is our home.
Back to the house: what I see is that our love for each other has already infused these walls. Even with the wood stove out and the lights off, the walls radiate warmth. We are creating something special here.
What I need for happiness: Simon, of course. But slowly I am finding my way because I am determined to do that. I want to live in happiness and peace. I don’t negate my feelings of sadness and ambivalence. What I am going through is an enormous upheaval and I am giving myself permission (and even blessings) to feel what I feel. But I am finding places to walk and hike. I am building a routine. I am putting peace into each day. I am making plans. I am finding some sense of security in those plans.
Having torn my well-constructed world apart, I am carefully putting it back together, knowing it will never be the same. Now it’s a world where I have a family and that changes everything. I am embracing the new and building into it the things I need as well as the things I want to give.