It’s a been a surreal day – rather like the weather, as a matter of fact. It started auspiciously enough with the Telus folks showing up. We now have a land line, which seems rather odd given that I was so delighted to get rid of mine at the stable a few months ago. But here, well – it’s a necessity. As Simon noted, we now don’t have to stand on top of a small stepladder in a corner of the bedroom shouting into a cellphone on speaker mounted near the ceiling, which happens to be the only place in the house that picks up even a tiny signal.
Then Simon’s list of priorities got muddled and changed, which is so often the case. The point being that everything is a priority. As it was, he had to drive to Castlegar to pick up things like a filter for the water (which apparently doesn’t exist anywhere in the area), a de-humidfier for the RV, a mop, a fan for the fireplace and various other bits.
I stayed home to bake bread, hoping I’d be able to go for a good uphill walk with the dogs when Simon returned with the car. Unfortunately, his search for a filter took most of the day, so at about 3 p.m., after I’d done the laundry and a good deal of writing, I walked with Abby up the road as far as Enterprise Corner – about 4K. Walking along a highway – sad at best. It reminded me of being in Toronto all those many years ago when I wanted so badly to hike, but, of course, the mountains were unreachable – so I walked the city streets every weekend – endlessly, for hours and hours.
The mountains were hidden in low clouds and mist. I allowed my mind free rein to do what it had to do, which was mostly processing gloomy thoughts. The idea was to get them out of my system so that I could move forward. I was feeling trapped – uprooted from a life of freedom and autonomy – a life spent walking and hiking outdoors on beautiful trails – and here I was – on a fucking highway!
And those were my more cheerful thoughts! (just kidding – sort of)
After an hour or so of brisk walking and being pleased that my back was getting into shape again, Simon came along and we hopped into the car. We then sat at the kitchen table and talked.
This is so new for both of us. We both get scared. In an enterprise like this, things don’t always go as planned. There are unexpected, shall we call them surprises, along the way. The thing we have to keep in mind (I have to keep in mind) is that we both made a free choice to do this – to embark on this adventure and to see it through. We’re going to do it well, successfully and in good spirits if we support each other and do our best.
There are things about this project that trigger fears from our past for both of us. I know that I have to keep in mind that this is not the past – this is now and it’s different. There are times this takes conscious effort.
Pasts are funny things. We learn valuable lessons from them but they can also trick us into thinking something is real when it isn’t. I hope I have grown and evolved as a human being because of my past. I hope I have taken the lessons and learned what I need in order to make a better future. These are my hopes. I know I fall down. I know that right now is a rather wonderful test to see how well I do. How conscious can I be in present time to separate out what is real from what is simply mist and shadows?
I know I am strong The challenge now is to find a new kind of strength and perhaps to employ it in different ways. Mostly, I need to keep myself living in the now and to do everything I know to create the conditions I need for my happiness. That means being outside, using my body, getting on to trails and up into mountains, writing and doing things for the man I love. It also means creating a beautiful home – beauty and harmony are also essential to me.