Being Tested

P1090682_Fotor What a strange day – and it just seems to keep getting stranger. You know that expression – feeling “at ease?” I am at the opposite end of the spectrum. I feel “at unease.”

I can’t pinpoint an exact cause of this feeling. I think there are a lot of little things – nothing major. But today – and for some days previously I think – I have not felt at home in my skin.

I don’t think it has anything to do with Simon and I. I love him and I admire everything he’s doing. I have never known a man work so hard and try so hard to make everything go right. I admire him and love him for it.

And yet – everything is not going right despite how hard he tries. Maybe this is still all part of the shakedown. This is a nomadic life and stuff is going to come up. The test is in how we handle it. At this point, I’d say I could be handling it a lot better.

We did the right thing this morning pulling up stakes at the icky campsite and moving to Willingdon, which really is quite lovely. We have a view of the beach and a stream trickling through our back yard. We also have a fabulous walking trail that we explored this morning. We followed our forest and beach walk with a stroll downtown, exploring the shops and streets of the place. We liked what we saw – very much.

After a late lunch, we drove up to Lund (further exploration) and found an entrance to the Sunshine Coast Trail along the way where we walked with the puppies for about an hour. The walk saddened me a bit. This was not the beautiful trail I had imagined. The forest was dark and the route flat. I am beginning to think that ten days on this trail is not for me. There will be absolutely no alpine. Still, we are hiking the highest section of the trail tomorrow. We’ll see what that holds.

Then other things that went wrong today: it seems I forgot to pack a couple of essential ingredients for the meal I was making tonight – and when I improvised, my pan started to leak – and then the cookie sheet wouldn’t fit in the oven. Also, the hot water heater decided to die so we have no hot water and Simon wasn’t impressed because we supposedly got that fixed in Campbell River.

So now – it’s time to turn all this around. We are hiking tomorrow anyway – no showers. Maybe a gas guy can fix it in the next couple of days.

Shit happens. How do we deal with it?

Hopefully, I will handle it better than I have been. I’ve been withdrawn. It’s what I do when I need to find my equilibrium. I keep myself tight. I get quiet. I pull away. I think it’s my way of taking a deep breath and keeping myself calm. If I can’t be deliriously happy, I need to be at peace. Thank goodness for Simon – he’s such a star.

Funny how a few things going wrong or not living up to expectations can get you down. But it’s okay – I’m not going to be falsely cheerful. I’m just going to be real, acknowledge where I’m at and continue to make the best of everything – loving Simon, loving my life, hiking tomorrow. Sounds pretty good.P1090683_Fotor

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