Commitment

image image image imageThis morning’s hike on the Awesome Trail loop was therapeutic. Yesterday was busy, with so much driving around that at the end (and it was an end that was a long time coming) I was pretty darn exhausted. Heck, even my nap lasted almost an hour.

The good news is that we got everything done including insurance for the new motor home, a new driver’s license for Simon and even lunch at the Garage. Okay, that last one wasn’t a chore- it was delightful.

In the late afternoon, we drove to Victoria to visit Long & McQuade for gear for Simon – it seems that almost everything we do now is in preparation for the road trip. Then we attended the Writer’s Circle where I was in the “hot seat” for the first time. As it turned out, the seat wasn’t so terribly heated after all. Almost all the comments directed at my work were encouraging and complimentary. I felt awfully good about it, and that means that I want to write even more.

Simon also had his work critiqued and for him too the comments were terrific.

Since coming back home last night, my head has been filled with thoughts of my book – this one and the next. I have ideas, many of them concerned with a new ending, others more focussed on publishing my work and even sending it off before we leave on our road trip.

I also know that I have to make a to-do list or my head will explode with all the items I am trying to maintain inside my often unreliable grey matter.

Now that I’m back from my morning hike, I want to dedicate the rest of the day to work.

But just before I do that, I want to swing around to the caption of this post. This relationship I have with Simon is a rare one. I celebrate it; I cherish it. I wake up smiling.

Most of the fears I had in our earlier weeks and months together have vanished. At the same time, we exist in real life, not in a fairy tale. A couple of days ago, when Simon got angry (not at me), I felt a different kind of fear – the kind that makes me want to run away. We talked about it afterwards. I am well aware of the origin of this fear: the terrible fights my parents had and most particularly, my mother’s shrieking temper. When I think about it, I can still tap into the visceral terror I felt as a young child, my only thought – how to escape and how to get as far away as possible.

Running away has always been my “go-to.” I suppose it’s not surprising that this particular fear and reaction would have been triggered eventually. Simon and I are sharing our lives – our whole lives – and that means that every emotion we’ve known including love, bliss, joy and yes, fear, will surface.

I was caught in the fear long enough that day to be with it, feel it and examine it carefully. What saved me and brought me back was the commitment I made to Simon – the promise we made to each other. We are in this for life. Perhaps there will be times when fear overwhelms love and I have to dig for the love and be stronger than the fear. But that’s what commitment is about: there will be times when we have to do the work because what we have is important and precious enough to make the effort.

Yesterday, Simon said that it was time to stop saying “partner.” He told me I was his wife and that the word, “wife” was going to be used a good deal more in our relationship.

“And you are my husband,” I said.

We are husband and wife. Later that day, I told him that I was glad we had come to this place. Those words strengthen our commitment even more. We haven’t signed any pieces of paper, nor have we stood in front of a registrar to formalize our promises, but we have made them as surely as any couple on this earth.

We’re in it through good times and tough times until the end of our time together.

From that place of commitment and love, I know that I am ready to embark on the rest of our lives together – and on our next great adventure. We are still not the main characters in a fairy tale. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or the day after that. All I know for sure is that whatever comes, we’ll be in it together, we’ll work it out together and we’ll trust this love tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

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