Actually, I was thinking about thinking, which makes me think that I’m thinking far too much – overthinking even.
It takes me back to when I was a teenager and decided that I wanted to be perfect. Really – I actually had an idea about what a perfect person was like and that was my aim – to be that person. Of course, my ideas back then weren’t exactly what they are now.
Yes, I believed that being kind and nice were attributes of the ideal human being, but I went far beyond that. The ideal never, ever made mistakes – of any kind. Writing about this is actually quite embarrassing, but it’s all true. I used to make up a schedule for myself, because perfect people did everything perfectly – i.e. getting up at precisely seven a.m. and getting dressed in five minutes. Breakfast was at seven-fifteen and lasted exactly fifteen minutes. On my walk to school, I had to walk in a straight line and turn each corner at a precise ninety-degree angle. If I failed, then the day was ruined and I had to start all over again the next day in order to achieve perfection.
It’s no surprise that this was a lost cause. At about that time in my life, I also went through a period of not talking because I believed I was a horse and could only snort and whinny. This didn’t take me very far on school days as my teachers frowned on farm animals in the classroom.
I also tried once to be a true foreigner and speak only German with total disregard to the language of anyone else I encountered. This was also a failed experiment.
The reason my thoughts drifted back to my early teens is simple really: I’m still trying to better myself. I’ve long given up hope of perfection because it either doesn’t exist or because perfection is being the best you there is – or, even more likely, just doing your best day by day and accepting errors, screw ups and imperfections with a smile and lots of love.
It’s possible that the best thing I can do now is stop thinking altogether and just let it all go. Sometimes, the most constructive thing I can do is relax into myself, trusting in what comes next in my process – that I’ve set wheels in motion back in my past and that it will all turn out okay – even if one of those wheels develops a flat tire. As long as my intention is good and as long as I remain willing to listen and learn.
Enough then! I may be getting perilously close to walking straight lines with ninety degree angles while neighing like a horse. Time to write, read and edit and maybe even waste some time on Facebook. The latter will probably do me a lot of good.