to start: Abby and Shanara and I headed up the Awesome trail on Mount Tzouhalem this morning, a trail that is aptly named. I’m sure the photos don’t do it justice but, suffice to say, it was a great two and a bit hours. I like going up the steep way and coming back more gently on the E trail. The entire experience is one of utmost beauty. Spring: hiking without a hat or gloves, driving with the window rolled down, breathing in the scent of earth newly awakened, feeling the sun warm wherever it touches my body. Is there anything better?
Well, yes I suppose there is – but more on that later.
As I hiked up this morning, I thought about our early morning conversation – about being authentic and when we are and when we aren’t. More specifically, when I am not being utterly authentic. I know that whenever I hide myself, it’s due to fear. I’ve had good reason to fear – witness my failed relationships. The past, however, is no reason not to be present in the now.
I thought about my word for this year: love. I thought about Simon’s word for this year: fearless. And you know what? I’m going to borrow his word as my auxiliary word. It’s time for me to be fearless in this relationship. It’s time for me to be as courageous here as I am on a difficult trail with a cliff in front of me, no rope, no GPS, no map and no compass. What gets me up? Trust and faith that I can do it. It’s time for me to have just as much trust and faith in love.
And so, the second part of my day. After a nap and a heaping helping of very good chocolate, I drove to the store to shop for groceries. On the way back, I rolled down the window, basking in the sun and fresh air. Spring!
And I thought how good it felt to be doing something so domestic and so ordinary – just the same thing that people all over the world do every day: shop for a family (as opposed to shopping for one single person). And that’s when it hit me in a kind and gentle sort of way: I am part of a couple. No, this is not the first time I have been aware of this. I can’t help but know that every day. But, like so many things we know, there are levels of knowing; this was still another level.
I felt “married” if you will, and by that I mean that I really got it that this is my life and this is my family and this is love, expressed in so many little, ordinary, everyday ways. I don’t ever want to take this feeling for granted. There is a fine line between feeling safe and secure in a relationship and becoming blasé about it. I hope (and vow) to truly see how special this is every single day.
I think the years of being alone have sharpened my sense of this magic. I know what it is to think only for myself. Having another person (and more) to focus on is the greatest joy I know. And so, happy spring and happy beginnings! Happy me!