All plans disappeared today – poof – puff of smoke. We woke up to torrential rain and huge winds. Hiking? Snowshoeing? I think not. We took the dogs out to the back 40 after breakfast and even that entailed throwing clothing into the dryer. And the back 40 is a 30 minute walk at best.
And then, of course, there was talking last night. We were tired. We went to bed – we started talking. It was 2 a.m. by the time we finally fell asleep. I find this very hard to believe, given I have been going to bed at about 9 with lights out at 10. Changes in my life! So many changes. And I embrace and love very single one of them. My life of routine has become one of constant adventure.
I love my life. And in this case, I think “love” is not a strong enough word. This life I have now is one I didn’t even dream of. Oh sure, I may have wistfully thought that such a life was possible – but only to the lucky few and certainly not to me at this point on my path.
And here it is. I was blindsided. Sideswiped. Simonized.
Sometimes I think I have to pinch myself to make sure it isn’t all a dream.
So – today – no hiking. Mostly it has been all about huddling indoors and staying warm and dry. There’s something lovely about hearing rain pounding on the roof while playing Scrabble (more on that later) or just napping (yup – napped for a whole hour!) and eating chocolate and drinking tea.
I also have no idea how the time disappears so quickly. I have done almost nothing today and it’s time to make dinner.
Scrabble. The score stands at 11 – 9 and not in my favour. We tied our game today! The competition is hot and heavy. And it also led to a real scare for me. Certainly we have been jousting and I have more than once been on my high horse (up to 20 feet high at least in some cases) when faced with words like “pe” and “wu” (which, by the way is not a word but did get itself on the board – and to add insult to injury he later pluralized it). But near the end of the game, I stepped over a line Simon got angry. Anger, directed at me, is a huge trigger. It raises immense fears. He had every right to be angry. I’m just grateful I saw that immediately. I am even more grateful that he accepted my apology and that the anger disappeared and the issue was resolved so quickly.
But, because this is such a trigger, I am still in a state of disappointment in myself. I believe I can be a better person. Today I was not a better person. I was not the person I want to be or the person I expect myself to be. And no one will ever be as hard on me as I am. Over the years, as I have grown and learned, I have raised the bar for myself. Today I let myself down.
The challenge for me now is not to berate myself, but to let it go. All I can do is to watch how I feel, be aware of my emotions, which at the moment are complex, and to be gentle with myself. It’s easy for me to advise others to be their own best friends. Harder to put it into practice for myself.
Everything is a growth experience. Everything I do and feel as a result of my actions, tells me something about who I am and who I am striving to become. There is always more work to do. The work is worth it, no matter how hard it is or how painful at times. I have something in my life that is more precious than anything I have ever had before. I am willing to do the work for something this beautiful. I will do what it takes. That’s a promise to myself I intend to keep.