Today I discovered something new (and when, pray tell, will all these f&*%ing learning experiences leave me alone?). The lesson: just when I think that I have “conquered” all my fears, one or two raise their little heads and say, “Remember me?”
And I learned that I will never conquer all my fears. They are deeply ingrained. They are there because they once saved me – they’ve looked out for me, and they’re not about to let down their guard. They are fewer are farther between; they don’t stop me from living the fullest possible life, but resisting them doesn’t work. What you resist, persists.
What I learned today is to treat my fears with the gentleness and respect they deserve. I suspect that there will always be triggers in my life that allow my fears to manifest. And I will not fight them or try to erase them – or even analyze them. What I will do is acknowledge that they exist. I can embrace them and understand that they have nothing to do with my life now; these are fears that belong to another time and place. I can smile at my fears. I can feel them. And I can let them go. I can live through them. I don’t have to rationalize them or explain them away. They are mine. But they do not control my life.
Today I learned to love my fears. They are part of me. The opposite of fear is love. I can feel my fear and then choose to live in love. And that feels right.
I learned something today. I learned that I am bigger than my fears.
As I walked with Abby in the park today, I thought about goodness and kindness and love and giving; and I thought about how Simon sees me. Sometimes, when I listen to him, I am overwhelmed. But I also understand that what he sees in me is a true thing. Just as he is truly the way I see him.
From my perspective, I am not as good or as wonderful as he sees me – but I also believe his truth and I trust him; and I know that what he sees lies inside me. And so I am inspired to be a better person. Since we have been together, I know that I have been striving every day to be a better person. And so I love him for who he is – for everything he is – and for who I am becoming.
And now, just to make this post even more cloying (brace yourself!) – I had one of those heart skipping a beat moments this morning as I was folding laundry. (Yep – laundry) – because his socks were mingled in with mine.
Yeah – don’t say I didn’t warn you.