Thanks to Stefanie, this is currently the best depiction I have of what I have been looking like the past few days – namely, my stupid, idiotic grin look.
It was a certain man in my life, who shall remain unnamed but whose first name begins with the letter S and ends with the letter N and contains in-between letters of I, M, O, who mentioned in an earlier message that he has been walking around with a SIG on his face. So, not surprisingly, I had to say, “me too” because every darn statement one of us makes elicits a “me too.” Which is one of the reasons I have a permanent SIG on my face.
Walking with Abby today – and what a glorious day for a walk it was – I was looking at and observing how I was feeling. Not necessarily to learn anything, but just because how I am feeling feels so good that I may as well just focus on it.
It occurred to me that after all the relationships I have had, there is something rather different and unique about this one. First, the feeling of love without demand – and without the edge of fear and tension (what if he stops caring tomorrow? Am I imagining all of this? Am I really loveable – and on and on). It’s just joy – that’s all. And then there’s the joy of giving that love back tenfold because it’s safe to do so.
And darnitall, The more the love flows one way, the more it flows back and then there’s this overwhelming spillage – which means I’m just spreading that shit around. Everywhere!
I made a phone call today for a business interview. The conversation went something like this:
Me: How are you?
Him: Fine, and how are you?
Me: Oh, just absolutely really wonderful! Fabulous! Ahem, I mean, fine.
And so I had a lovely walk. Thought how perfect it is that we met now. I honestly don’t think I was ready for this relationship before now. I’m not sure if I would have been able to receive all this – I might have been frightened and run. And now I am ready.
I remember in a course I did that there was a talk about wounds – and how each of us on this earth has wounds – and who we are and who we become arises out of those wounds. I believe that our wounds shape us more than our triumphs.
When I was a very young child, I was harshly punished once for telling the truth. When I told the truth to my parents, they chose not to believe me. Of course, I was punished in spite of telling the truth. In my young mind, it was because I was telling the truth. And so, that wound gave birth to one of the values I hold most dear: telling the truth.
I heard it said once, that people are attracted to each other because they have similar wounds. I don’t know if this is true, but if it is (and I suspect it well might be) then I believe the more closely aligned the wounds, the greater the attraction – with the sole purpose that if we share similar wounds, we can deeply understand the other person’s – and from that place of understanding, we can help each other heal. The best way I know to heal, is to love and accept unconditionally – warts and all – especially the warts.
If there is a purpose to relationships, other than growing a world of love, perhaps it is to help each other heal – and to help each other evolve spiritually. If I can do that for the person I love, I will be content.
And I will continue to have a stupid idiotic grin on my face.