I received a valuable lesson this week.
Work is very important to me.
I know this should not come as a surprise but oddly enough, it does in a way. I anticipated retirement so eagerly for almost two years. Then it arrived. And I went totally freelance – and almost immediately began to worry (not all the time mind you – I do believe in keeping my worries down to a dull roar) about not having enough work.
This month has been especially interesting. For almost three weeks I heard nary a peep out of the office. By Monday I thought one of two things: either the office had shut down or I had been “fired” without anyone actually telling me.
So I did the brave thing and called the office, just as three assignments were winging their way to me on the Internet. No bad news at all, of course – just a slow month – which picked up steam with a vengeance all week long.
What is interesting is that given a disaster choice between bankruptcy and being fired, I was pretty convinced it was the firing scenario that was more likely. After all this time – after all these years – after all this “enlightenment” work, that’s still where I go: “it must be me!” Mind you, there’s a whole lot less of that now but it’s still there.
It’s interesting information. What else is interesting is how much I still depend on work. Not for my sense of self-worth, mind you. I have been partly brainwashed by the financial crowd who say I have to have a minimum of $1 million in the bank to survive retirement. Well – I don’t have that, and nor do I need it. But I just can’t seem to get into the “use the money you’ve been saving” mode. I still derive way too much satisfaction out of accumulating funds. I think it’s a bit of an addiction actually and it will take me time to wean away from it.
I have a suspicion this makes me a lot like a great many newly retired folks. But so be it. I’m willing to accept all this gunk about myself. I will change – or I won’t. Either way, I love me as I am. I continue to learn about myself. I continue to grow – in fits and starts at times but it’s still growth.
Tomorrow I am going for a long day-hike with a friend, a couple of dogs and a happy song in my heart.
Life is good.