So what do you (I) do when it’s pouring rain?
Well – number 1: get on all your Gore-tex and take the dog out to the back 40. Come back and hose down the dog and towel her off.
Then the indulgences: first stop – the Cedar Farmer’s Market for Red Fife Bread from Bodhi Bakery (amazing) and enough freshly picked organic lettuces to give me at least three meals and/or a dozen lettuce sandwiches. Yes – lettuce sandwiches are a thing.
Next – drive to a little house in the south end where a mushroom picker has freshly picked chanterelles for me – 2 pounds worth! Guess what I’m having for dinner tonight? Yeah – mushrooms and Red Fife. All of them slathered in butter. This is my birthday eve dinner and I am so worth it!
Then – on a rainy Sunday afternoon after a nap and fabulous Trader Joe’s chocolate, what’s a girl to do? Well – the movies of course and you have to know it was Downton Abbey all the way. And the cool thing? I got there and they had one seat left. Seriously. I got the last seat in the house and it was in the front row right near the centre which is where I wanted to be anyway. And it gets better. Reclining leather plush seats. I had no idea this was the theatre standard these days (goes to show how long it’s been).
And the movie was awesome – exceeded expectations. Maggie Smith and her zingers alone were worth the price of admission.
And then back home and a kind, loving and beautiful phone call.
My heart feels safe.
Yesterday the clouds were in the mountains – today they have migrated to my brain.
This is the kind of day when I feel I “should” be doing or at least writing something profound. I should be having insights – being inspired or inspiring.
And really, the best I can do is is mention that I was happy to pick a huge bowl of raspberries; that I was gifted an enormous bag of apples; that I managed to get my laundry and house cleaning done; that I took Abby for a long walk; mostly that I napped for a good thirty minutes and it felt fine.
Yup – a thoroughly inspiring day.
So – my emotional state. I loved that talk with Mike last night. He is clear, honest; articulate; vulnerable. These are all qualities that elicit nothing but respect and love from me. And I think – yes – there was a huge hiccup. But do we still have a chance? I like to think yes but in truth, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
So I think that’s sad but at the same time, I know that I live a life of joy.
And so I contemplate the world as it is and my life as it is and realize that I am blessed in so many ways. I understand that there will be days when I miss someone; there will be days that I question myself; there will be days I am sad and days when I am blissful. The human condition – and I hope that no matter what, I take something away: a piece of learning or a moment of growth.
And somehow, as time goes by, I become a kinder person – perhaps even wiser.
Eery day, I wake up – I choose love, light and joy.
What an amazing, magnificent day!
One of the best I’ve had in a long time. For two reasons.
First: I drove up to Mount Becher, parked at the lower lot and headed up the Boston Ridge Trail. And I took a wrong turn and finally realized it and backtracked and – finally (!) hit the right one. And there I was, mostly in a cloud with not much to see. But it was just me – and the forest was magnificent in the fog and mist and one magic moment: a warbling as though hundreds of birds were singing. And the sound coming closer. And I can’t see but I keep looking up and finally:
Out of the mist, almost obscured – an enormous double V of geese materializing out of the mist and disappearing back into it above my head. So close. And not honking! Warbling!
Blessed to witness this.
And so up – and up. Lots of steep. Scrambling. Four rope assists. And on top of the ridge, I’m thinking. Great! I did that. And still in a deep mist and suddenly, the trail goes down. Steeply. I am scrambling down into an abyss of white. And down and down. I could be falling off a cliff. I have no idea. And down and down. And finally – guess what? Yup – up again. And this is where all the ropes come in. All those many metres I lost? Making them up again and then some.
And then, finally, on the plateau leading to the summit and the sun begins to burn off the mist and cloud and it’s beautiful and so fabulous. Over four hours after setting out, I’m at the top. A quick lunch and down the fast way – the straight-up route.
And my wonderful, bliss-filled day got better when I got home, showered and talked to Mike – for a very long time.
My heart is filled with love.
Ths happened today:
So that’s pretty cool.
And not much else happened – a couple of walks with Abby, shopping for groceries – and a bottle of wine that I shall open next Monday on my birthday. I did not stint: a Louis Latour Chardonnay.
My gift to me this year. Well, my tangible gift to me.
I spent a lot of today examining my feelings and my mind.
Why did I do what I did yesterday? What did I feel? Where did those feelings come from? Was I triggered and if so, by what? Could I have reacted differently? Did I respond in a way that was right for me? Did I make a mistake? Was I being authentic or reactive? Was I manifesting my dark side?
I am willing to question everything. That said, I am also determined to honour what is genuinely me and to draw my boundaries.
I know this: I am glad I am home. I am glad that I feel all my feelings. I am blessed to feel so much love for some special people in my life.
I’m glad I have a quiet place to simply be – to meditate. to be at peace.
I’m back home – quite a bit sooner than I expected to be.
I’m struggling with finding the words to express what I’m feeling – and the reasons why I made the decision to leave Oregon so soon. I’m probably also struggling with even understanding what occurred.
Mike and I knew that we couldn’t be sure how we would feel about being together again. We were hopeful, I think.
And now – what? Of course we were not madly “in love.” That state of infatuation had come and gone all those years ago. But what about love? The deep, lasting kind?
I don’t think there is any question that I love Mike. He has a beautiful heart and soul. And maybe it was bad timing, given some of the difficult situations he had to deal with right away.
And I could have been kinder, gentler about leaving.
I’m still processing it all. And perhaps it was far too soon after Simon and I parting. I still love Simon dearly. I always will.
I will always love Mike.
But the feeling this morning of needing to come home was too strong to ignore.
And that’s all the analyzing I can do for now.
I just hope that the love and kindness and compassion I feel manage to float over some unseeable air waves…..
Well, it certainly wasn’t the beautiful Link who fucked it up. Not at all. But you must understand, I am now in the United States of America so of course something happened and naturally the police were involved.
And me? Well, I was the star witness (only because I was the only witness and then I wasn’t even called upon).
I should probably leave it at that and let your imaginations run wild because truthfully, you’ll all come up with far more dramatic scenarios than the actually facts.
So I’ll start by saying that Plan A involved a bit of shopping (Trader Joe’s for chocolate) and then lunch and then a nice long walk with Abby on a nice local ridge I’d been told about.
The problem was that there was not a Plan B and life just took over. Shopping turned out to be quite a few stops and then there was a quick pit stop at the airfield where Mike met with Ron who made him an offer for one of his planes, which was not a good offer so Mike said so and Ron got mad and swung at him and shoved him and went crazy. Mike called the cops and there were threats and it was all extremely soap opera or B movie.
The police were really quite lovely.
Things ended as they did but by the time we got home it was already 4.30.
On the bright side: we got to Trader Joes where I bought a very large stash of chocolate (really large). And we had lunch at a nice Middle Eastern place.
And Abby and Link got yummy giblets for dinner and then I took Abby out on the local roads in rain and wind so maybe a ridge would not have been all that great today anyway.
That was tough on Mike.
I think this evening calls for wine.
Abby is content. She has had dinner and she has had a marrow bone (that she was allowed to eat IN THE HOUSE!!!) and she has had way too many treats. She has also learned to use to dog door very quickly and found an extremely willing playmate in Link.
I think that, in part at least, this has made up for a very long car ride.
Me? My eyes are burning but I think that’s all due to lack of sleep. It was a late night. It was also an amazing night. It was so beautiful to meet Kathleen and Matt after the course last night. So much love and emotion. It was a whole-hearted connection: spirit to spirit.
I felt utterly fulfilled.
And then there was that rather late dinner at my favourite Indian restaurant and I don’t think I got to sleep before midnight. And then up at 6 and off to Oregon.
I’m taking time with myself to settle in and be quiet and at peace.